Life, it can be good and can last forever.

So sad, the semester is coming to a close! Through out the course of this semester we have learned about dating, marriage, children and families, communication, and how families deal with crisis. So, what happens after marriage and children? What happens after everyone moves out of the house and it is just you and your spouse? There is a new dynamic in a sense. I like to think of it as time that you and your spouse get to spend getting to know each other all over again. You get to reconnect with out all the "distractions" of family life.

If you have a moment, and you haven't seen this video, you should watch it!

 

 In the video the music starts out kind of slow then builds up. It gets intense, dies down, then gets intense yet again at the end. I like to think of this as a metaphor for life. Our life starts out pretty great. We are born and grow up and get married. Along the way in marriage we hit a few speed bumps that slow things down but then picks up again through out life. There are multiple pitch changes and transitions through out the songs. There are multiple transitions that we go through in our lives. Some of these include adolescence, becoming parents, and becoming grandparents (empty nesters).  There are certain transitions that we have to go through even though we might not like them. That's part of life. In the end, when we meet our maker and go over our "score" of life, it will be a beautiful one.

Happily Ever After......right?

So in life we are all born, grow up, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after, right?

Sadly, sometimes that is not how it always works out. Did you know....

• Cohabiting couples are more likely to get divorced.
• More women than men are asking for divorces.
• 77% of men are remarried two years after they are divorced.
• 70% of couples say they should have saved their marriage after being divorced two years.

There are multiple reasons as to why some people get divorced. Some of them are because of financial issues, communication issues, and sometimes they even just fall out of love. 






In the end, sometimes divorce is the best option for a couple, even if it is hard on the kids. There are a handful of things parents can do to help their children cope with a divorce. Take a look at this website to find out more!

Little Humans...They Matter.

So this week we talked a lot about the family and children. Children have a special place in my heart and forever will. I one day hope to have some of my own as well as work with them as a child life specialist.

In today's world so many new trends are forming compared to our past. People are waiting to have children, people are having fewer children, more parents are hiring nannies to take care of their children and more children are being born outside of a traditional marriage.

Children matter. I don't think I can reiterate that enough. They are our future. Children bless so many that are around them in ways that we don't even realize. They teach us selflessness, patience, and give us a glimpse of how amazing our Heavenly Father is. From those I know that have children, it can be scary, but at the same time it sounds like a pretty amazing opportunity. They truly are gifts from God.

Today I had the opportunity to watch my friends two kids. We spent the day watching movies, playing outside in the snow, and making Christmas decorations. After we had finished making some Christmas decorations one of the kids looked at me and said, "I think we should tidy up the house." My friend had clinicals, so she had been gone since 4:30 a.m. and wasn't going to be back until about 5:30 p.m.. Her daughter knew that she would be exhausted and thought that if she cleaned and tidied up the house that would help her mom. So, instead of watching a movie with her brother, she and myself went to work. She helped me learn that at no matter what age you are, whether you are 8 or 24, there is always something you can do for others.

 The next time you are around children, I want you to take a step back and think about what you can learn from them. What can they teach you about yourself?

The joys of work....

So Monday in class we talked about what we as adults have come to love (yes, that was meant to be said in a sarcastic voice). We talked about work.

Okay, truth time. I actually love work. To me there is nothing better than the feeling you get once you have accomplished something you have worked really hard on. Work is a natural instinct that we have as human beings. If you look clear back to our first parents, Adam and Eve, they started working and it has been something we have done ever sense.

If you think about it, little kids love to work! I was talking to my grandma about work ethics one day (she recently got back from visiting my aunt, uncle, and cousins) and she started to tell me about one of my younger cousins. This little cousin is number six out of seven, I think. My grandma went on to tell me that she will go and clean up any little mess that she can find. She is her moms biggest helper, and it is starting to rub off on the youngest (who I believe is about to be two). This little girl will do anything her mom asks her to and doesn't ask her to! She loves to work!

So, think about this....we have to learn to be lazy. We have to learn how to not love work. I know...this seems a little crazy but bare with me for a minute. Think of all the "fun times" you've had with your family. Sure, some of them may revolve around activities or movies and such, but some of them may revolve around doing dishes, cleaning up after a holiday meal, or even weeding the garden.

When we work together as a family, we grow as a family. I remember the times I felt the closest with my mother was when I was helping her weed the garden or do the dishes. It was during this time I talked with her. I told her about what was happening with my life and how things were going and such.

In my family, it seems to me, when we clean, we talk. I remember cleaning my sisters room with them after friends had played over and they would talk about what they did, who they liked, how life was, and what they were struggling with. I like to believe that it was in those moments that I really got to know my sisters and they got to know me.

So, I'd like to give you a challenge. Next time you ask your children to clean up something or work on something, do it with them and see what happens. If you don't have children, clean/work with your spouse and see what happens.

After all if you think about it, faith brings miracles, but faith requires work. So eventually, work brings miracles. Miracles in your family will happen if you work together.

Communication...it's a must have!

Communications has been one of my favorite things to study, that very well could be because that is what my clusters (minor) is in!

Get ready for some random communication/speech facts!

• 93% (about) of communication is non-verbal.
• You must hear something 3 times to remember it. 
• When hearing a contradictive message we have a tendency to believe the non-verbal hints we receive.
• 65% of what we learn about another person when communicating is by observing non-verbal body language.
• 7% of communication is what you say (words), 38% is how you say it, and 55% is body movement.

So as you can see, communication with others is pretty important. Communication occurs all of the time. We cannot not communicate! Go ahead, try it! Communication requires an exchange of shared meanings. For example, a gesture or a hand sign can mean one thing in America but a totally different think in China. Communication also requires feedback in order to be certain of exchanged meaning. If you aren't sure you got the message, you should always double check!

Bottom line: communication is naturally apart of who we are. We can't help but communicate, we just have to be careful about how we do it!

The Brush Strokes of Crisis

So,  I learned something new this week. In the Chinese language there are two brush strokes that make up the word crisis. One brush stroke means danger and the next brush stroke means opportunity. At one point in a persons life time they will most likely experience one crisis.

When we face a crisis we can respond to it in multiple ways. Some people deal with it the best they can with the help of friends, family, and other resources like religion. Others may deal with it by avoiding the crisis.

In the end all of our actions are due to how we choose to react to the situation. We have to choose how we react. If we let our brain go on autopilot we would be scared, overwhelmed, depressed discouraged.

I have concluded, from my own personal life events, that coping is a necessary skill. Some people cope and adjust really well and others don't. 

A coping saw is a specific saw used in woodworking or carpentry. It is also used to create moldings and joints. This saw allows you to cut very precisely and intricate(make tiny adjustments to make sure you can cut little pieces to fit in the places you need them). Coping on a pool keeps water in, protects you from the sharp edge (being damaged), protects against erosion from the water.

This is why it is important to be aware how we cope with events, stressors, and crisis  through out our life. If we have "good" coping skills we will be able to protect our selves from the damage that can be caused otherwise. 

There are multiple ways a person can cope with a crisis, event, or stressor.  

1. Taking responsibility. This means not just that you will not deny or avoid the problem or blame others but that you will not play the victim game. 
2. Affirm your own and your family's worth. Believe in yourself and your ability to deal with situations. Remind yourself that you and your family are people with strengths and the capacity to cope. 
3. Balance self-concern with other-concern. Take responsibility for your own well-being and serve one another. 
4. Learn the art of reframing. To reframe means to change your perspective on a situation. Redefine something you had defined as troublesome as adaptive and useful.   
5. Find and use available resources. There are a number of external resources that one can turn to in a time of need. These may include family members, religious beliefs, and counselors.  

In the end, it really does matter how we react to a situation. Our actions determine this. It is up to us on how we are going to cope with a stressor/crisis. So, let us act instead of being acted upon when it comes to a stressor or crisis. Cope the best way you know how using all your available resources.  

Turn the crisis into an opportunity instead of a danger.  

Birds and the Bees...

So, it seems like this week a lot of my classes are going hand in hand with each other, which is pretty awesome if you ask me! So we have gone from talking about marriage and intimacy to talking to your children (or future children) about intimacy.

To be honest, I was intrigued as to how we were going to talk about this in class and what we would and would not discuss. We talked about someways that you could "mess" up your kids if you don't talk to them about this important stuff. Some of the concerns on how you could mess up were:

• Not talking about it period.
• Emphasize the sin aspect of sex before marriage. Now, I think it is important for children to know what it is immoral to do so before marriage but they need to know the why. I think that is what gets left out a lot of the time. 
• If you focus on the "sin" and how horrible sex before marriage is, those who unfortunately are raped or sexually abused can feel used and dirty even though it was not their fault. 

Here are some of the reasons we talked about as to why it is important to have this talk with your children:

• It helps you develop a connection to your children
• You can help them understand why intimacy is sacred and reserved for marriage
• It teaches your children respect for themselves and others

I think in today's world it is so important to talk to your children at an appropriate age about sex and their bodies. I was talking to a friend at work about this and she brought up the fact that when her parents asked her if she knew a lot already about the birds and bees she said yes...because she thought they were talking about actual birds and bees and not boys and girls and sex. Luckily her parents continued to talk to her about it even though she told them she knew. So, be careful in how you word things to your children...they might take it a totally different way! 

I am betting that it can be a pretty daunting task to talk to your child about sex today, espeically when it is everywhere and so they learn about it at such an early age. Luckily we are not left hanging to do this alone. Between you, your spouse, and Heavenly Father it can be done. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has even come out with a manual to guide parents on when to talk to their children about certain things. Granted, this manual was made in the 80's so I assume you can use your better judgement and the influence of the spirit to make adjustments when needed.You can find it here!

I can go on and on as to why it is important to talk to your kids and be open with them. There are so many misconceptions that can take place when a child is trying to understand something so sacred as sex and having children...if you don't talk to them pretty soon they will have their own definition of sex and where babies come from!

Marriage...it's not for you but for the one you married!

Franz Schubert, an Austrian composer, once said, "Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife."

Marriage can be a scary thing. Part of me wants to think the main reason for cohabitation is because people are afraid to make that life-long commitment to another human being. BUT, I know that is only one of the many reasons as to why people cohabit.

Marriage takes a lot of work. I know I'm not married so I probably don't understand completely all the work that is put in to make a marriage a successful one, but I like to think I have a glimpse of it because of what I have learned, what I am learning, and from all the wonderful examples of married folks I have seen around me.

To me, marriage is kind of an awe-inspiring event. Two people come together, because hopefully they love each other, and start a whole new life together. These two people may have two completely different backgrounds, upbringing, and traditions among many other things. A married couple may have to think about who is going to do the dishes, who's going to change the babies diaper, and so on. My point is that there are a lot of decisions that have to be made as well as adjusting to living with a person you have never lived with before (if you didn't cohabitate).

When you throw kids into the mix of things, things can get crazy fast. In class we spent sometime talking about why it is important for husbands and wives to actively involve one another during their whole marriage. They become a unit, a family together. Lately on Facebook there has been this blog floating around about marriage. You can read the blog here. In this particular blog post Seth Smith talks about how marriage isn't for you. To be honest I completely agree. Its about the person you marry. One thing that I have noticed as we have talked about marriage and children in class is that marriage really isn't about you, neither is a family. Its about those you love and care about. That is why you do the things you do, for the most part at least.

In class we talked about how after a child is born marital satisfaction decreases. This happens for a number of reasons: lack of sleep, intimacy, and communication to name a few. However, I believe there are a number of things one can do to help their marital satisfaction increase. I've noticed that communication is a big deal. When you openly communicate with a person your trust with them goes up as well as attachment. I also believe that when you follow "divine patterns, divine things will happen." Take a look at the clip below that dicusses some tips for a happy marriage. What tips are important to you?

Dating and All It's Glory....

So have you ever thought about what dating....seriously have you ever thought about what it means to date and what it entails?

I asked a couple friends about their definition of dating...this is some of their responses...

• "Going out with a member of the opposite sex."
• "Spending time with a girl doing a fun activity then repeating the process". 
• "Hanging out with a boy that you really like and then going on dates with him, like to the corn maze or something."

I had asked these three friends at completely random times and thought it was interesting that they said roughly the same kind of thing; that dating involves another person of the opposite sex and you go out and do something fun.

I think it is interesting how overtime dating has changed. Back in the day people use to date, then court, then get engaged, and finally married. It seems like we have skipped a couple steps. I know it can seem that it is complicated but in reality it is simple.

In class we talked about how dating has changed. It seems like here on campus when you date a guy you date only that guy...so basically it goes from dating strait to courting. Dating refers to going on multiple dates with multiple guys. I've heard that dating is like trying to figure out your favorite ice cream flavor. You don't know what your favorite flavor is until you have tried a few other flavors. Courting occurs when your serious about someone and intend on being married. You usually don't court a person until you are ready for possibly getting married.

Dating really is all about getting to know someone and what they are like. Are they a fit for you? I personally think that the term dating is getting lost in today's' world, its getting more complicated than it needs to be....here is a lovely example!

So, what is dating to you?

Boys Versus Girls...

So have you ever noticed how from the little wee ages of toddler-hood up to adulthood we all have certain "roles" we play? Have you ever thought about how from day one we almost automatically knew that women did certain things and men did certain things. When I was growing up and would play house with my brothers and sisters, the girls were either the mom, school teacher, child, or pet. Meanwhile, if my brothers decided to play they were the father, brother, or pet. There were just certain roles they couldn't play and there were certain roles we didn't play. Thinking about it, my parents never came up with those "rules", it was just something we came up on our own probably through observation.

Who we are has a huge effect on what we become. Gender does matter. In The Family: A Proclamation to the World it specifically talks about the importance and roles of each gender. Who we are has been who we are even before we came to this earth! I believe these differences are so important that even children pick up on them from a young age!

"I believe we can learn so much from children." I completely agree with Jimmy on this! As boys and girls we are different and we are suppose to be different. We all maybe different (speaking of gender terms) but when we come together ( through marriage) great things happen. We can learn from each other and work together to become the "perfect" parents for their children (when that time comes). All the different tendencies we have in each gender can come together to us become the best parents we can be.

Culture...It's part of who we are.

So this week in class we spent sometime discussing the effects of cultures and class on society and families.

We defined culture as a circle of in a community that people are born into. It is a part of you, whether you like it or not. We talked also about how a persons culture can change over time. A lot of examples including missionaries came up. I know when I was serving in the Samoan assignment my first couple months, I picked up certain gestures and mannerisms here and there that have since become a part of me. We also talked about how ones culture can change if they choose to marry someone from a different town/area. In a sense, compromise happens.

A question was presented to the class. "Are all cultures equal in terms of being right and wrong, good and bad? Do we have the right to proclaim one set of values to be better than another?"

I have my personal belief that when it comes to cultures all are important and each has their good and bad. What do you think?

Marcus Garvey said, "A people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots."

I believe culture is an essential part of who we are as people. After all, what is a tree with out its roots?

"The whole is greater than the sum of its parts".

“The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is to support the ultimate career. ” - C.S. Lewis

I stumbled upon this quote earlier this week and thought it went perfectly with what we discussed in class. I think this quote by C.S. Lewis goes hand in hand with another quote that was said by Aristotle: "The whole is greater than the sum of its parts."

Both these quotes go hand in hand with the family systems theory. This theory states that every member of a family is connected. When something happens to one person, it affects the whole family. I like to think of it as a domino effect. When one domino falls it affects the other dominoes. Each of us in a family (blood related or not) has an affect on others. Our actions determine consequences that can not just affect us. I've noticed within my own family, when one person is struggling, it affects all of us. We all try to jump in and do what we can to help out that one person that needs it. 

I know that most of you, those that are family friends, know what happened over a year ago in our family. For those of you who don't and would like to know more about the accident that happened you can read about it in the my story tab on the blog.

I bring up the accident because I think, in a way, it is a perfect example of how the family systems theory works. My immediate family dynamic was/is shook up. In a way this caused a ripple effect to everyone around us and my extend family. When our family is struggling, when I am struggling, my family and friends are there to help and life me up. In a sense, when my immediate family was "breaking" everyone else was affected by it in one way or another so they stepped up and have since helped us, along with the gospel of course, put ourselves "back together". So in essence, I do believe that "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts."

I am amazed that Heavenly Father knew that we would need people (family and friends) near our sides through out our whole life, to be there through thick and thin. Whether we know it or not, we all have certain roles we play in each others lives, whether we are family or not.

Data, Data, and more Data!!

So this week in class we've spent a lot more time talking about statistics and data about all different kinds of things. This past week I got to watch a video talking about a demographic winter. One thing that caught my attention is when they were talking about the rates of fertility and how it has gone up and down over time and how that has affected the population.

One thing that kind of shocked me was my teacher, Brother Wilson, asked the class how much land would be taken up if everyone in the world had one acre of land? A majority of the class said probably the land size of Brazil. Well, we were wrong. The answer...only the size of Texas would be taken up! I know Texas is big (I've driven it!) but I didn't realize that the world's population could fit in the size of Texas if everyone owned an acre of land.

It just got me to think how important families are and how the decisions to have children are big. The decision to have a family not only just affects you but also pretty much the whole world if you really think about it! Its been interesting to study the rates of fertility through out the world and how that has changed the population over time. I know that the decision to have children is a private matter and I believe it is between the husband, wife, and God but  come on....who couldn't resist having moments like this with their children!?

"Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday."

For those of you who are fans of the Princess Bride you will get the quote above. If your not a fan or haven't seen the movie yet, I'm sorry.

Anyways, this week in class we have been talking a lot about research, studies, and marriage. In class we talked a little bit about proposition 8 and the D.O.M.A. act that President Clinton signed protecting marriage between a man and a woman. In response to these laws the American Psychological Association presented several studies stating (I'm paraphrasing now) that there are no differences from homosexual couples raising children verses married heterosexual couples raising children.

For class I had an opportunity to read a paper written by Loren Marks. Marks took the studies that the APA used and basically analyzed them. I was honestly really surprised to read what he had found. A lot of the studies that the APA used weren't even comparing homosexual couples against heterosexual families. Reading through this article helped me realize that sometimes you can't really trust statistics as much as you would like! So moral of the story is resarch is good, do it your self and get all your facts before making a statement!